We could have reached 8 months

Time

I cannot heal you with reasons, you won't listen. But time, time can heal anything. And so I'm letting time work it's magic on you. Don't worry, as long as we both love each other; (and we both know we do), I'll still be here waiting for you. Time will tell.

Life is unfair

It's unfair how you're out with your friends and family, I'm inside my room all locked up. Haven't been opening the curtain for ages. This darkness, it used to be scary but now it seems like a friend. You know how you get the feeling that in darkness someone is watching you? Well that thought gives me pleasure knowing that there is actually someone. I don't want to be alone. You're probably having the time of your life. You're probably laughing at me for being so pathetic if you're reading this. You've made progress in moving on. You have other people to make you laugh. Me? I don't even know when was the last time I smiled or laughed. Oh yeah that's right, I remember, it was in your car. Laughed and smiled while crying. I'm not asking for pity. I'm not asking you to feel sorry. But please rethink everything. If you really love me you wouldn't let me become a victim of racism and prejudice, you would've shielded me from all that. Where is the person who's stood up for me throughout all our 7 months. What happened. Don't give up on me. Don't give up on us. I'm enraged at the thought of the holidays ending at 1 July. That's a long time. A long time away from you. What if we start college and all I can see in you was someone I used to know. What if you've found another. I've planned my holidays around you. Now I'm left rueing of what could have been. We could have been having breakfast lunch or dinner. We could be having a night in a hotel and just enjoy ourselves swimming in the pool or ordering room service. We could have gone to the beach maybe enjoying a sunset. But now you have all that planned with your friends. I have my holidays spending time in my room punching walls and screaming. Crying listening to music. Is this what happened to you when you brokeup with your ex? I guess so. Maybe because that time he was with all your friends while you were alone. Now it's vice versa. I don't have any friends. They have their own life. They have their own girlfriends. They have problems with their girlfriends and they would ask me for advice. They would hate their girlfriends and call them a bitch etc. I would just scream at them and say they should be fucking grateful they have someone by their side. They should put their ego down and look at things in a fairer way. But the truth is, nothing is fair. Nothing at all. Especially the way I was treated. The way I was brought through all this. Save me.

I continue to try to reason, to try to argue, to try to make you see the bigger picture. But you don't want to go back on your decision. I'm trying to move forward but my head keeps turning backwards. I'd call you and sound pathetic and sound desperate for you, but you're out with friends. What if she's laughing with all her friends at how pathetic I am? I have decided to continue my abstinence from cigarettes. I will not take any. I will not smoke any. I confess, I stopped for you, not for myself. And I feel by continuing on not smoking, I'll be carrying a piece of you with me along my journey through this horrendous life. You used to say you're scared of me leaving, that people leave you. But I'm here, and the only way I'll be gone is when you leave me far enough that you won't be able to look for me. Or if I die. I feel as if that if I don't smoke, you won't drink. Although I never will know for sure, I just have to keep faith in my own belief. Smoking may kill you, but getting drunk causes you to do stupid things that will haunt you forever. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want to be able to take care of you. Please don't dissapear from my life. Please call me. Please contact me. Please don't ignore me.

When my mom said she doesn't like me to be with a chinese, I fought for you. I argued with her. I didn't talk to her much for days. You left. You won't even give me time. You stood by with your ex, in this same situation for a year. With me you couldn't stand 7 months in hiding. Is it because you believe that it's better to end because you'll definitely find someone better than me that can be accepted by your parents? Or is it because you have already found that person? I can't figure you out. The more I try, the more I imagine, the more I dig myself deeper and deeper. My parents knew. All they can say to me is be a man. My mom told me to hang on and hopefully you'll change your mind. Funny how I expected her to actually say "I told you so". I'm trying to move on, just like you. But I'm moving at a much slower pace. Why? Because hopefully if I move slow enough you can catch up with me if you ever wanna turn back and find me. This has become my journal for now. I don't know if you'll ever read this. But that doesn't matter. No one is willing to listen to me, no one understands this situation, no one can give any advice because they don't see any problem with the relationship. You were unhappy. I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a malay. You must've had a torrid 7months just hiding everything. If you were happy you'd probably carry on with me and discuss a solution for this together. Not just leave me in the dark and make drastic changes that I can't accept. Now you're shoving me away. I know you don't mean it. You're just doing it so I can move on. But I dont want to. I'm not moving, but I don't want to stand and watch you move. Stand and watch you enjoy life without me, stand and watch you possibly falling in love with someone else, stand and burn through all this. I can't do this. Come back, please.

I want to die

Everytime I close my eyes youre there. Everytime I'm in my room I see you in places you've sat. I imagine you using my laptop on my desk, you laying on my bed, I imagine you in my showers while I wake up. I'm a wreck. A fucking wreck. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I wish I can manipulate time. I'd rewind back to where we are at the happiest. I'd rewind every single moment I've had with you. The ups and the downs. The tickling around and the worst fights. They're all wonderful compared to this feeling I have right now. And I'd pause in between. So i'd have the chance to gaze upon your precious face. A fucking black hole right in my heart. Everything I do I feel empty. Play games, go out, meet people, walk, eat, talk, sleep....there's no joy in anything. Why god? Why her? She was my everything. You've taken someone I love most too far early from me. Now what will the future hold? I can't stand the thought of seeing her with someone else, seeing her kissing someone else, even imagining her possibly in bed with another guy. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I cried in front of my friends. I thought I've felt the pain of heartbreak before but this is different. God, you've taken this pain to a whole other level which I could not bear. People say give her time, give her space, maybe she'll rethink. But I'm afraid she'll move on. I want to die.

I would give anything

to hear you say "i love you" to me one last time

Who else is gonna put up with me this way? I need you, I breathe you, I'd never leave you. They would rue the day I was alone without you.

Well..

Devastated. Crushed. Barely able to stand up to face the world.