An Open Letter to someone I've held so dear

Dear A

  I'm writing this, so you can get a clear picture. I doubt I'll ever be able to explain the whole situation to you face to face, so I needed another way to tell you. First of all, I don't hate you. Sure, I can't deny, you've hurt me. A lot. No one has ever cut a wound so deep into me. But I can never bring myself to hate you. I might be angry for what happened but that will never last long.

You see, I really appreciate what we had. And I'm really grateful to have met you. You stepping into my life, really brightens up everything. I've learned a lot throughout the 8 months we've spent together. We had our ups and we had our downs, but I regret none. In fact I'm really grateful God managed to make our paths cross. To be frank, I never expected us to end so abruptly. I never expected you to crash everything down just when I was building my hopes really up high for us. When I really felt we were going somewhere because I managed to bring you into my family, you just cut everything off. I fell down to the worst depression in my entire life.

 But that's the beauty in life. Life pushes us down and lets us fall and be alone. Why? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I walk around, I drive around, places reminds me of you, the events that unfolded in each places, the times we spent together in each and every one of the places. But I'm not sad, I'm not angry, well at least not anymore. Quite the contrary, whenever things and places reminds me of you, I smile. I smile because I know I had a beautiful life experience with you. I smile because I remember the good times, I smile because I knew back then life was great.

 But let's be honest, we both know no matter what happens, we won't be able to relive that again. I don't care about it either. They are beautiful memories. And memories should forever stay as memories. I'll never forget each and every one of the times I've spent with you.

You really were the best for me.

But times have changed, time have made me cold, time have made me realize that I've been slacking from the real world. Time made me realize how much I've been lacking in my studies, and how much I'm just not dealing with the real life. Our fairytale ended, I brought myself up to face the real world.

I wish I could say I want you back. But I can't. Because I just don't feel it anymore. The pain of everything that's happened just prevents me from doing so. But still, don't get me wrong, I don't hate you at all. For the forseeable future, I can't see us getting back together at all. And even somehow if we do, things won't be the same.

 Therefore, I'm writing you to wish you all the best in your next chapter of your life. It's time to close our chapter. It was a hell of a fun ride, exciting and amazing. But everything has got to come to an end. And I don't want it to end in a very bad way.

We both will walk on, we both will live on. We both will learn to love again someday. I know you're looking to replace me and such, but you should know I'm not looking to replace you. In fact, I'm not looking for anyone at all. All I'm focusing right now is my studies. I know for a fact that you're irreplaceable. I know for a fact that I will probably never find someone that would ever treat me as good as you did. But I'm prepared to live with that.

The good times, no matter how good they were, they are gone. Long gone. But I'll forever cherish them. They are a part of who I am today, and who I am in the future. Thank you for stepping into my life and making me a better person.

 I know you'll find someone in the future. I don't know if it might actually be me again (though I can't see that happening for now). All I wish is for you to be happy. Because you deserve to be happy. And yes, I do care about you. You played a big role in my life. And significant people in my past will always have a place in my heart.

 All I'm asking for you is to take good care of yourself and don't beat yourself up because of what happened. Life doesn't revolve around a relationship. And if one day by any chance you wanna grab a drink or anything just give me a ring and we'll see if we can meet up.

 Till then, good luck and thank you. For everything, from the bottom of my heart.


 I hereby close down this blog, for good.

                                                                                                                                                      ZAIN

it kinda hurts that you're not reading any of this any more, but then again you have no obligation to do so

i don't think you read any of these anymore but what the heck

Just came back from the police station. Fucked up day. Wish you were here to hug me and calm me down.

We could have reached 8 months

Time

I cannot heal you with reasons, you won't listen. But time, time can heal anything. And so I'm letting time work it's magic on you. Don't worry, as long as we both love each other; (and we both know we do), I'll still be here waiting for you. Time will tell.

Life is unfair

It's unfair how you're out with your friends and family, I'm inside my room all locked up. Haven't been opening the curtain for ages. This darkness, it used to be scary but now it seems like a friend. You know how you get the feeling that in darkness someone is watching you? Well that thought gives me pleasure knowing that there is actually someone. I don't want to be alone. You're probably having the time of your life. You're probably laughing at me for being so pathetic if you're reading this. You've made progress in moving on. You have other people to make you laugh. Me? I don't even know when was the last time I smiled or laughed. Oh yeah that's right, I remember, it was in your car. Laughed and smiled while crying. I'm not asking for pity. I'm not asking you to feel sorry. But please rethink everything. If you really love me you wouldn't let me become a victim of racism and prejudice, you would've shielded me from all that. Where is the person who's stood up for me throughout all our 7 months. What happened. Don't give up on me. Don't give up on us. I'm enraged at the thought of the holidays ending at 1 July. That's a long time. A long time away from you. What if we start college and all I can see in you was someone I used to know. What if you've found another. I've planned my holidays around you. Now I'm left rueing of what could have been. We could have been having breakfast lunch or dinner. We could be having a night in a hotel and just enjoy ourselves swimming in the pool or ordering room service. We could have gone to the beach maybe enjoying a sunset. But now you have all that planned with your friends. I have my holidays spending time in my room punching walls and screaming. Crying listening to music. Is this what happened to you when you brokeup with your ex? I guess so. Maybe because that time he was with all your friends while you were alone. Now it's vice versa. I don't have any friends. They have their own life. They have their own girlfriends. They have problems with their girlfriends and they would ask me for advice. They would hate their girlfriends and call them a bitch etc. I would just scream at them and say they should be fucking grateful they have someone by their side. They should put their ego down and look at things in a fairer way. But the truth is, nothing is fair. Nothing at all. Especially the way I was treated. The way I was brought through all this. Save me.

I continue to try to reason, to try to argue, to try to make you see the bigger picture. But you don't want to go back on your decision. I'm trying to move forward but my head keeps turning backwards. I'd call you and sound pathetic and sound desperate for you, but you're out with friends. What if she's laughing with all her friends at how pathetic I am? I have decided to continue my abstinence from cigarettes. I will not take any. I will not smoke any. I confess, I stopped for you, not for myself. And I feel by continuing on not smoking, I'll be carrying a piece of you with me along my journey through this horrendous life. You used to say you're scared of me leaving, that people leave you. But I'm here, and the only way I'll be gone is when you leave me far enough that you won't be able to look for me. Or if I die. I feel as if that if I don't smoke, you won't drink. Although I never will know for sure, I just have to keep faith in my own belief. Smoking may kill you, but getting drunk causes you to do stupid things that will haunt you forever. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want to be able to take care of you. Please don't dissapear from my life. Please call me. Please contact me. Please don't ignore me.

When my mom said she doesn't like me to be with a chinese, I fought for you. I argued with her. I didn't talk to her much for days. You left. You won't even give me time. You stood by with your ex, in this same situation for a year. With me you couldn't stand 7 months in hiding. Is it because you believe that it's better to end because you'll definitely find someone better than me that can be accepted by your parents? Or is it because you have already found that person? I can't figure you out. The more I try, the more I imagine, the more I dig myself deeper and deeper. My parents knew. All they can say to me is be a man. My mom told me to hang on and hopefully you'll change your mind. Funny how I expected her to actually say "I told you so". I'm trying to move on, just like you. But I'm moving at a much slower pace. Why? Because hopefully if I move slow enough you can catch up with me if you ever wanna turn back and find me. This has become my journal for now. I don't know if you'll ever read this. But that doesn't matter. No one is willing to listen to me, no one understands this situation, no one can give any advice because they don't see any problem with the relationship. You were unhappy. I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a malay. You must've had a torrid 7months just hiding everything. If you were happy you'd probably carry on with me and discuss a solution for this together. Not just leave me in the dark and make drastic changes that I can't accept. Now you're shoving me away. I know you don't mean it. You're just doing it so I can move on. But I dont want to. I'm not moving, but I don't want to stand and watch you move. Stand and watch you enjoy life without me, stand and watch you possibly falling in love with someone else, stand and burn through all this. I can't do this. Come back, please.

I want to die

Everytime I close my eyes youre there. Everytime I'm in my room I see you in places you've sat. I imagine you using my laptop on my desk, you laying on my bed, I imagine you in my showers while I wake up. I'm a wreck. A fucking wreck. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I wish I can manipulate time. I'd rewind back to where we are at the happiest. I'd rewind every single moment I've had with you. The ups and the downs. The tickling around and the worst fights. They're all wonderful compared to this feeling I have right now. And I'd pause in between. So i'd have the chance to gaze upon your precious face. A fucking black hole right in my heart. Everything I do I feel empty. Play games, go out, meet people, walk, eat, talk, sleep....there's no joy in anything. Why god? Why her? She was my everything. You've taken someone I love most too far early from me. Now what will the future hold? I can't stand the thought of seeing her with someone else, seeing her kissing someone else, even imagining her possibly in bed with another guy. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I cried in front of my friends. I thought I've felt the pain of heartbreak before but this is different. God, you've taken this pain to a whole other level which I could not bear. People say give her time, give her space, maybe she'll rethink. But I'm afraid she'll move on. I want to die.

I would give anything

to hear you say "i love you" to me one last time

Who else is gonna put up with me this way? I need you, I breathe you, I'd never leave you. They would rue the day I was alone without you.

Well..

Devastated. Crushed. Barely able to stand up to face the world.

There'll be no clear skies if I lose you baby

IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS

:)

He gets into our conversations everyday. Trust me because I know. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

happy month-iversary budak tidur

I hope your mom likes me and this isn't even a 'your mom' joke

Sometimes

When I think of how you cried yourself to sleep for 4 months I can't help but to think that you don't deserve to go through such a thing and sometimes I even wonder how you pulled through.

I am scared

Me

I am a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. When I should be dedicating myself to make you happy, I stumble in between. I have issues. I don't understand why I get sensitive. I have a short temper. I keep telling myself to fix it but I can never really make it disappear for good.
 You're putting up everything for me, and I do appreciate every bit but one side of me always fucks things up. One side of me always somehow makes you feel like nothing you'll do will ever be enough for me. I'm going to set things straight here. You ARE the only thing that can actually make me so happy and smile so wide. But to every pros there are cons and I'm sorry mine had to come in the worst of forms. I'm vulnerable around you. I joke around but I'm sensitive around you. I can't explain why. And I really hate that because I know it can really make you unhappy. This isn't intended to be an insincere apology or anything. It's just a statement that I know how I can really ruin your day, and maybe even ruin you as a whole but trust me I've never had any intention of doing so and whenever it happens, trust me, I feel like shit for hurting someone I love the most.
Yes, I hate it when we fight, and I hate it more when I'm the cause of it. You deserve someone that can make you so much happier. Being with me, you smile, but you seem to frown more and I'm scared I'm not worth your time. But I won't let that hold me down. I will prove my worth. This whole process of becoming a man hasn't even reached it's peak yet. Far from it. I will learn. I will. And I'll be the best you'll ever know. It doesn't matter what the future holds. I want you to be able to look back at your life one day and not consider me a mistake, rather a miracle. Because that's what you are to me. It doesn't matter how I'll end up in the future, what job I get, what my results are gonna be....All that matters is that you were present in my life. That is a gift I can never cherish enough and although my way of showing my appreciation to you isn't how it's suppose to be, but trust me, I do appreciate you, I do care. In fact, I never thought I could care so much for someone rather than my own family. Yes I suck at showing that. That's just because I'm still new to it. I'll get better at it. Thank you, you've stamped your mark on my life, I intend to stamp mine on yours.

You know that someone is precious when

You get in misunderstandings and still manage to laugh everything off in the end. You're as special as the word special gets. No, the word "special" can never even correctly describe how you are to me. You're way above that. No I'm not sweet talking shut up.

Haih budak ni~

I think my girlfriend's blog is actually dead but maybe on life support. There are traces of heart beats now and then...hohhoho love you BUNIPAO

Kissing In Cars

As we wake up in your room
Your face is the first thing I see
The first time I've seen love
And the last I'll ever need
You remind her that your future
Will be nothing without her
Never lose her, I'm afraid
Better think of something good to say
But it's all been done more than once
I'll keep on trying
Oh god don't let me be the only one who says

No, at the top of our lungs there's no
No, such thing as too young
Second chances won't leave you alone
Then there's faith in love

She was always the one
I'll repeat it again, the one
No such thing as too young
Red lights flashing in the car we're kissing in
Call me crazy, I've always tried to remind her
That the future's just a few heartbeats away from disaster
I'm afraid that I've thrown it all away

No, at the top of our lungs, there's no
No such thing as too young
Second chances won't leave you alone

No at the top of our lungs, there's no
No such thing as too young
Second chances won't leave you alone

No, we'll repeat it again, there's no
No such thing as too young
Second chances won't leave you alone
Cause there's faith in love

If you kiss me goodnight
I'll know everything' is alright
Second chances won't leave us alone
Won't leave us alone

Cause there's faith in love

A New Year

A New Adventure for me and you, a continuation of our story from last year. You have always been the one. Thank you for opening my eyes to a love that is too amazing to be true.

Don't tell me that I'm ordinary